The Shoestring Potato Conundrum

One of my least favorite things to cook are shoestring potatoes. They are nothing more than really skinny fries. They are ridiculously simple. Yet I detest them. Okay, I don't actually detest the actual fries - they're effing delicious. But I detest making them. It took me FOREVER to figure out how to get them crispy, like they're supposed to be. You'd think that would be easy. Dunk the damn things in hot oil for a while, then serve 'em up.

You'd think. Well, you'd be wrong.

Apparently there is a very specific way to make perfect shoestrings. Very specific. In fact, so specific that it has taken me precisely six months to figure it out. But I've got it now. At least, I think I do.

1. Place raw shoestrings in fry basket.

2. Dunk in oil. Oil must be exactly 375 degrees Fahrenheit. Not 374. Not 376. THREE SEVENTY FIVE.

3. Count to eight. (You are blanching them at this point, not cooking them.)

4. Quickly remove shoestrings from oil and set aside. Let them rest for at least five minutes.

5. Precisely three minutes before you are ready to serve shoestrings, dunk them back into the oil for those remaining three minutes. When they are crispy and golden-brown, take them out, season them and serve them up.


I realize that this sounds absolutely insane, but if you only knew how many effing shoestrings I have had sent back because they weren't crispy enough, you would understand my psychotic OCD about this crap. I can cook a perfect lobster, make a dozen different kinds of beurre blanc and a near-authentic spaetzle from scratch, but people are gonna tell me that I can't FRY POTATOES?!

That shit pisses me off to no end.

So... after much trial and error, I have finally figured out the formula for the perfect crispy shoestring potatoes.

*insert applause here*